I AM NANCY

"Know this, and remember it when the nights get long or the days get short or the space between the minutes is stretched out and pulled tight between us:  Wherever we go, whatever we do, we will leave a trail behind us for the world to see.  We will burn white into the blue of the sky, and not a soul will be able to resist marvelling at the mark we have made."  Plane Trails On Deep Dark Sky BW (by Tyler Knott)

Cooking with chili is my favourite thing to do, a hot twist occurred when I accidentally rubbed my eye with the fingers that chopped the chili. What was meant to make my dish tastier harmed me and I was left sour, blinking my painful red eye, tasty dish forgotten.

I lost my appetite so instead of eating I went to Twitter with my red eye. My timeline was filled with pictures of Nancy shared by Zelipah. I stared and laughed for a few minutes. As a plus size woman myself, it is a pure case of the kettle calling the pot black. I called the pictures distasteful and awkward. Not because of her weight or her body, I honestly think that in the pursuit of honesty and art, she forgot about finesse and excellence. 

She reminded me of my blinking red eye and then of myself. In the pursuit of tasty dishes I have rubbed my own eye in many instances.

I entered the blogsphere with raw and sometimes lewd tales and nobody stopped me. With my words I stripped myself bare and took pictures of my soul, irrespective of who saw and read. I did it again and again for about two years. I lost a job and kept doing it. I was frowned upon by well-meaning friends and kept going. I was focused on expressing myself and I didn’t care about the rain, I was more focused on the rainbow of freedom and self-expression. I built a brand on saying the unsaid and the unsayable. I was intent on being the one that described the places and experiences we all shared but never spoke of.

I mean, how many people can honestly say they have never seen a naked woman? Some people even buy internet bundles with the sole purpose of looking at plus size women in different forms of undress. So, what exactly was wrong with that particular woman?

In my years writing, I haven’t invented anything. All I have done is apply my words and imagination to things that already exist. So what was wrong? Why was I fired and ostracised. More importantly why was I afraid of sharing my website with my own mother. If the cause I stood for was truly mine I would print it on a flyer and give it to my mother, pastor and have it translated for my grandmother. Why hadn’t I?

Chili is nice and tasty until you rub your eye with it.

Many months ago the ever annoying and amazing [name withheld] slid into my DM. She didn’t seduce me as I had hoped. Instead she admonished me about being wasteful. She isn’t one for few words, so as much as I would like to quote her in verbatim, I won’t. In many ways she told me how I should be more responsible because I carried a gift that had potential power. I was belittling my gift by not crafting it so well that people will pay for it.

We all carry a specific purpose unlimited power, the extent and effects of that power all rest on the choices we make. 

I watched Spiderman when I was a little girl, so I as well as all the other humans who watched the movie heard Uncle Ben say, “With Great power, comes great responsibility.” How many of us have ever really thought of the power we carry and what it can do if we took the responsibility.

In my case the responsibility is spell check, a thesaurus, discourse, less TV time and more reading time. In the journey I have chosen, going deeper and further is the price I pay. The causes we choose require us to come up a bit higher, higher than we initially think we can go. I decided to come up higher because I didn’t want to obstruct the clarity and quality of my gift with unrefined lewdness. Most times I  come up short because I am a flawed human being but as opposed to hindrances, I am using each flaw as the step that enables me to go just a little higher.

A gift is wasted without discipline, grace, excellence and finesse. 

Some causes are worth all the heat, the pain and the horror. Nobody stops us when we are pursuing the tasty things of life, but we should stop ourselves and think, do I really want this chili in my eye??