I GOOGLED...

 I Googled “How to get over your lover” the first day you kissed me.

It was our first kiss and yet it set me ablaze. I wanted more and more and I had no idea why I liked it so much. I kissed you greedily until my lower lip was sore. It surprised me that I was free when I walked around your house in my underwear. It surprised me even more that I was okay with you sneaking up behind me and kissing my neck. I was okay with clasping fingers while we kissed, drawing imaginary creatures on your belly and falling asleep while you watched football highlights.

Those levels of freedom and that level of intimacy. That is why I knew I was going to need more than Adele and wine when our hands finally unclasped. Many men have taken off my bra but only you asked about the scar under my left breast and kissed it. Many men hit it from behind but only you made sure we aligned when we spooned. You are the only one who remembered to kiss me every now and then simply because you missed the sensation of my lips.

I knew I was going to need some sort of logical map to help me get over you when I realised you bored me to death yet I loved spending time with you. I saw you every other day and listened to your long stories of your high pain tolerance and how you boil rice and yet I still stayed eager to see you again. I can think of ten men who are more fascinating than you and fifteen more who are better looking. But when I compile a list of people who just get me, that list only has you.

The type of people we are make great best friends. They listen to rap and house music together, they get drunk and never leave the house on rainy days and they express unpopular opinions and remember details about each other that nobody even cares to listen about. The type of people we are tell each other when the other is about to make a great mistake, they share their anxieties and tell each other everything will be okay.

I was oblivious to the undisputed fact that the people we are fluidly make the transition from friends to lovers. You are not my boyfriend and if honesty was the policy here I would admit that I don’t want you to be. You have already met my mother and if she heard we were dating she would give me a suspicious eye and start to think I lied when I said you and I were just innocently talking that day at 10p.m, you see?

The first day you kissed me you changed something, now I am completely aware that I think about you a lot and completely aware when your name comes up in conversation. I am even more aware that one day we will have to end but I don’t care and that’s the worst part. I was alive but unlit before you kissed me and now I just want to enjoy what we have even if it kills me.

Google please, tell me how to get over my lover.