SIRENS

It struck me at that very moment that what I was looking for wasn’t out there but deep within. I stared at the guy in the mirror. He looked worn out. No…not the guy everyone was looking at. Not the guy everyone could see. But that guy that only I could see. A shell of his former confident self. A man who could barely recognize what he had become.

It’s true what they say. It’s usually the people that exude the most confidence, the ones that light up a room, and the ones that make people laugh that are the most in need of the energy they exude. Because deep down they are crying and every moment of everyday is nothing but an act. A way of seeking comfort and company that they truly yearn for.

Migraines. Thoughts of what could have been overwhelmed by thoughts of what should be. Second guessing every little move and asking the self whether it’s worth it or not.

“But I’m super confident now aren’t I?” “Yes you are” he says from the outside of his being.

Body: “it aint a thing. We got this”

Inner Being: “I’m not so sure bro.”

Body: “well I don’t care what you think. What I care about is ensuring nobody thinks of me as a lonely and depressed being. The world is my footstool and I shall do with it as I please. I will be charming as fuck and likeable and sociable and amiable and the guy that everyone will love and want to be with. You won’t stand in my way. No sir.”

Inner Being: “But that is all superficial. It’s fake. It’s unreal. It’s not what it really is. It’s playing to the gallery. Must you live your life acting and playing out nicely scripted scenes? Does that not exhaust you?”

Body: “I shall be remembered as the man that did what no man could do or what men wanted but could not dare do. I will not live nor die on my knees. So please sort yourself out because your constant worrying is making me look old.”

Inner Being: “you need help”

Body: “I needed a rib and I got one.”

Inner Being: “You don’t even believe you have it. You don’t even believe it is yours.”

Body: “it’s you with the trust issues. I’m good. I will be fine. I’m always fine.”

Inner Being: “You need to let that rib go before you break it.”

Body: “Just mind your business. Your business is to shut up and let me handle it.”

I sighed for I was defeated once again. See he has a point. Nobody likes ugly, not even God. Lepers were thrown out of the city to live far beyond the city walls for a sight of them was repulsive and their stench repugnant. People love positive energy and that positive energy is what they will get.

When the world gets too much and the burden becomes too heavy to bear I shall move far from the prying eyes of the merry, from the laughing mouths of the hearty, from the nicely manicured nails of those that know nothing but fine things and joy. For it will be the day that I have full scale leprosy and the city shall not need to catch a glimpse of my dead and rotting soul. He will not be able to fight me because his pretense would have worn out and he too will be weary.

Silently I shall endure. Pain is sweet. The sirens sang beautifully in old Greek lore. I swear I hear them every other minute. They sing songs that have me floating and sailing in seas filled with teardrops. But like Body said… I shall be remembered as the man that did what no man could do or what men wanted but could not dare do. I will not live nor die on my knees.