TRUE LOVE'S FORM

I haven’t really grown up yet. I like animations, so I watched Shrek again but this time I saw it differently. At the end, Fiona took true loves form and it was as an ogre, not the princess disguise she wore all day to face people. I realised that maybe true love sets us free enough to be ourselves everywhere. Now who is true love? Where do you find this special force that makes all things right? Some say it’s from a soul mate, some say it’s from their mothers. Others say only God and the other argument is that it is only within.

I miss the days when I was unapologetically myself because I didn’t know how to hide. I am really dark, like super dark. I was unaware of it, more especially I was unaware of it being a bad or good thing. It just was. I was a child and so I saw myself through the eyes of a child. I think love does the same thing you know. Gives the lover the eyes of a child to see the beloved as blameless. I didn’t know how to wear heels or make up so I couldn’t be flawless but in the same way I couldn’t be flawed. I was just me and people stayed in my life not because of the perks but because of me. I paid no attention to anything, I don’t think I even consciously matched an outfit until after I finished high school. (I was a serious late bloomer).

Something strange happened when I became aware, I also became afraid. Afraid that I wasn’t right enough to be accepted, then came the craving for acceptance. Then came comparisons. Then came standards. Then came confusion. Awareness of the standards can make you a slave to them until you decide to create your own. No matter what you do right, some of these qualities you call flaws are just who you are. There is no diet or special body cream to reduce shoe size or change DNA. But you can change how you feel about your shoe size.

Once upon a time I was going to go on an exotic trip to share a chalet with a boyfriend and instead of being excited I was wracked with anxiety, the kind of anxiety that makes one walk to link pharmacy and no…not for morning afters but for noise reducing ear plugs. I snore when I am tired, I snore when I am uncomfortable, I snore when I have a flu, I snore when a sore throat is coming. I snore, period. My breathing area is obstructed by growths on my throat so the nights when I don’t snore are pretty special occasions. Sleeping is valuable to any busy adult and many people get disturbed by snoring I recall my friend resenting me for disturbing her sleep and for announcing at a sleep over with some girls that I should probably sleep in another room because I snore, in another event she stated that I should get my issue fixed because it will create major issues when it comes to finding love. You know when someone close to you acts in such a way you automatically assume they are right. So I felt bad about it and I still avoid sleep overs. I’d rather sleep in my bed or my mother’s bed where I can snore freely and unjudged.

Back to the exotic trip…..I bought the ear plugs, he used them, we slept at night happily and the relationship ended either way because he had a girlfriend that turned out not to be me. He even had two Facebook accounts, one for her and one for me. (The levels of focus men apply when they cheat could have cured cancer I swear.)

Fast forward some months and I am with someone else and the moment of truth comes where we are forced to spend the night in the same room and I consider staying awake all night (the struggle) until the exhaustion in me overtakes and I just sleep. In the morning I wake up guilty as hell and immediately launch into an apology and all this time my friend’s voice is ringing in my head about how I won’t be loved because I snore and how no guy can tell me to my face that it is an issue but I must just fix it. I apologise and the dude just laughs and says yes, I snore and yes it is loud but he also tells me that he has no time to stay awake listening to me so I should just sleep.

Maybe he was just being nice, maybe it is true, I won’t be loved. The point of this unnecessary tale is to state the simple truth. Your flaws are just part of who you are and those that love you will love you regardless. The simple action of not resenting me because I have a flaw made me feel good and made me even want to get my throat fixed (I’m still scared of surgery). You don’t have to alter who you are for the person made to love you, you may even succeed in altering yourself for someone and still they may never love you. People will be people.

So where is this true love? I’m going to say it is daring to find it. Being brave enough to not accept anything less than it. I found it in myself. I have found a love for myself that is so pure and unashamed that I am ready to learn to be better. I love myself enough to seek God, I love myself enough to mend bridges and burn some. I love myself enough to desire better for myself. I love myself enough to accept myself and create my own standards.

You are true love’s perfect form.