THE PERFECT ENDING

I’m not the most organised person in the world so it was difficult to find my Mac powder, I searched the usual make up drawer and it wasn’t there. Then when I was about to give up and settle for just foundation I remembered it was in the handbag I carry to church. I put on the foundation and concealed the bags under my eyes and finished off with the powder. Matte perfection. This is the perfection I wore to church, there I smiled and laughed. I stood when the priest said so, I drank my communion and looked humble.

“The service was deep Brother, I enjoyed it.” I’d say every Sunday. Anointing oil would touch my forehead and I’d smile gloriously. Sisters in the pew would say that I’m glowing. I would say I’m humbled and I did nothing to get that glow. Matte perfection.

I dusted my face softly with the powder keeping everything real. I decided to go nude with just a little rose blush dusted on my cheeks for some life and I went easy on my brow game. I wanted to look natural and realistically beautiful like the brides online you know. Once my face was set, I took out my bendy rollers and made sure my hair was bouncy and perfect. I had already got rid of my body hairs but I was still debating on whether to wear spanks or not. The nude body hugging dress was ironed and ready for me on the bed. Whether to match it with white or red heels? Nude or leopard print? That’s the thing about nude. It gave too many options. At least I was still sure about some things. I put my white comforter on the bed and straightened it, making sure it was perfect to lay on later.

I walked to the kitchen, too many memories were made and stayed here, they clung to the walls and reminded me to laugh at the happy memories and never forget the bad ones. There were pictures in the passage that led to the kitchen. I paid more attention to the frames than the photos. Everything in pictures was for show, but the reasons we hanged them up were the real reasons. The cracked frame was me at graduation with my father, he died three years ago. My boyfriend broke the frame when we were fighting once and I still hang up the frame, I loved having memories of my father around. I secretly loved emotionally black mailing my boyfriend with the fact that he broke the only picture I had of my father. But it was just a crack honestly. I guess he realised it was just a crack and that he didn’t owe me anything and that’s why he left me. Left me for the girl carrying his child, said she made him complete. So what did my seven years do? Half him?

I reach the kitchen and search for the one thing I am there for. I open the drawer and get it and then I look at the kitchen once more to make sure it is still spotless and magnificent. I worked hard for this kitchen, every silver spoon and stainless steel appliance. I wanted to bake dinosaur shaped cookies for my children in this kitchen, I wanted to fill the whole house with the smell of vanilla and fresh cookies. Can a woman bake for a huge fibroid?  Maybe my boyfriend knew that I’d have nothing to bear him.

I walked back to my room, staying focused. Too many things had happened and I could no longer steer the ship. Nothing mattered. Was this the point that life came to teach us? The brutal truth that life was dissatisfying and empty. That you could invest and reap nothing, that you could be good and get bad. All I had learned that staying in the good lane hurt and watching people over take me stung. I wasn’t interested in knowing how it ended. I had lost hope in a happy ending and all I wanted was my perfect ending. I had done everything by the book and I still failed. I didn’t want to live and fail another day. It was pointless and I was sorry. I didn’t want to live and fight life only to be taken away unceremoniously. I was going to win this round. I had written it all down. I had unlocked and flashed my phone. I had separated the money they’d need to bury me. I had shaved and done my make up so that they wouldn’t have much to do, I was clean and gorgeous and ready.

I lay on the middle of the bed. I didn’t know exactly how long it would take for them to find me. I rarely spoke to my siblings and I was on leave from work. I gripped the cold knife in my hand. I knew it was sharp, it served me well whenever I had to chop up some meat for quick stir fries. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Then I slashed my left wrist, I took the knife in my already weakening left hand and slashed my other wrist. It seemed wincing from the pain only increased the flow. It was going to take a shorter time than I thought. I rested on my pillows and looked at my ceiling. I was glad I had chosen not to wear shoes because their tightness plus the strange pain may have made me turn on my phone to call for help. I had expected more pain. But there was no pain I could have felt that could have matched the ache in my heart. I was going to miss stir fries, the taste of meat against vegetables. I was going to miss hearing my brother laugh. I was going to miss getting promotions and buying new things. But I had lived long enough to know it meant nothing. All of it.

I closed my eyes because I wanted to rest my eyelids then I realised I couldn’t open them again. I was ready to just die, it felt good. I wondered if it was all true what they said about hell, if hell was true did that mean that the God that could fill the void was true too. I wasn’t interested in finding out through life what I was going to know in a few minutes anyway. This was my perfect ending. I had done all there was to do.

I thought of my kid brother somehow and my thoughts made him seem real, I heard how he shouted, heard how he cried and how he said my name, the way his voice sounded when he was afraid, it was almost real. My mind was playing games on me and my eyes were too tired to confirm it. I heard my kid brother shouting some more but I couldn’t figure out the words. He had grown into a fine young man but he hadn’t changed much, still so emotional. I was going to miss him. I was happy that he was my last thought in my perfect ending. I felt relaxed and it was okay to slip away, this was it. 

Matte perfection.