MY ADDICTION

Addiction is a problem that many people struggle with in different ways. The first time I ever heard of the word addict was in its association to drugs. I was young so I associated the word addict with a shivering, sniffy person spreading a white powder onto a surface right before they hungrily inhale it. That was addiction in my head. After a while I learned of new forms of addiction; the addiction to food, sweets, exercise, body modification (tattoos, dieting, piercings, plastic surgery all goes under this category) and even sex!

We can get addicted to anything that gives us what we feel we lack. Sometimes addictions don’t even make us feel good, they just give us what we feel we are lacking. It just so happens that most people lack joy, peace, comfort, affection, company, which are all good things. Some people can get addicted to damaging habits just because it makes them feel alive to know they can feel hurt. The thing with these addictions is that they are temporary stand-ins for the real thing and their power lies in their ability to keep us going back for more. We can get addicted to people, places, things…all because they give us what we lack. But they are damaging.

I think that’s good for an introduction. Let’s go on.

I am strong willed and erratic in my disposition so I voted myself least person to get addicted to anything. An online quiz described by addiction personality as “weird as fuck. You can be addicted to something one moment and not care in the next moment.” When I read that quiz result I laughed. I didn’t know if it was true or not. And then I met you.

My attraction to you was dangerous and it was madness. It was kind that makes people walk with the insane people but still feel safe, the kind that makes you shut your eyes and put your hand in front of a chainsaw with the faith that you won’t get cut. Faith is a wonderful thing. While my eyes were shut I knew I couldn’t get cut by you, I believed it. I enjoyed you. I looked forward to our meetings all the time, feverishly I’d perfume my body and wear my lace undies like a druggie ties their veins down in the anticipation of a hit. You came at a time when I was broken and distraught and you were my safe haven. In my head you were everything. With my eyes shut I made you my everything. I texted you even if you didn’t reply. I wrote poems, verses and rhymes to vent. I drunk called, drank and got drunk but to no avail. I thought I was going to die loving and longing for only you. I did everything just to keep you in my life. You did everything just to kick me out but I kept coming back. My ears were shut to sense, my tongue began to tell lies to cover my tracks. Lies like “It’s just sex”, lies like “I am over him”, lies like “I can stop seeing him when I want.”

With so much literature about addiction in my midst, I was an addict and I had no clue. I had no idea I was addicted to you. Redemption comes in form of a chainsaw sometimes. The chainsaw makes slicing noises that make you open your eyes and when your eyes open the rest is pretty much history. With eyes open you see that blind faith can disguise the intense pain as pleasure but it cannot mask the injury. With your eyes open you see that it is your blood that is bleeding blood red while the chainsaw just keeps cutting, slicing and chopping while it stays intact. Madness tends to end when blood is spilled. With your eyes open you begin to see that this addiction is actually your affliction instead of your salvation. With my eyes open I detached myself from the self-severing situation and decided to bring myself healing. Healing a wound is a process that involves bleeding, cleaning and peeling but when it is done everything starts anew.

I never thought I’d see the day when I was free of you, I had already accepted that my love for you was a burden I would have to carry my entire life and I would never get over you. But I am. I have erased your finger prints from my body and I am ready to learn a new lover’s scent.

We all do stupid things for love and we all do stupid things because we are in need. But at some point we need to see and accept that loving and living are two different things and true love lets you live fully.