I HAVE BARED MY SOUL TO YOU

I have bared myself to you. No secrets, no lies or tricks. I have shown you each scar, each delicate vulnerable spot and every strength. I have shown you my beauty and pain and you have been there through the rain. As we stand at the annex of the road, awkwardly holding hands, I can still say I don’t know what you want.

The shop nearby has a tiny television with the loudest speakers, I can hear the news but I can’t quite see it. The man on TV says “Criminals in Lusaka will face the wrath of the law” and immediately I know that it is local news, meaning it’s about 7PM. I am not out of time yet. The street is empty even though it isn’t late. I want to kiss you until my cheeks are no longer chilly and get comfortable in your arms; we already know I fit there perfectly. But I don’t know what you want so I just stand at the annex of the road, rubbing my warm palms against my cheeks to warm them up and then rubbing my nose.

“You can go home you know.” I say. The evening stays the same even if it has been three hours so I tell you it is okay to go, just to kill the awkward moment, just to kill the urge to hug you. “I will go. I just want to stand here for a while.” You say.

I look closer at you, hoping for a tell sign. Hoping for a crack in your solid demeanor and I come up empty. I have bared myself to you but still when I am with you I feel alone. I do not hug you, kiss you or hold you because I know that none of it will be returned. There is very little that is worse than being alone when you have company. I stand at the annex of the road and pray for an ultimate switch in atmosphere but it does not come. I still feel like I’m forcing it. I still feel like a crazy person fixing a dam wall with duct tape. Perhaps what I need is so immense that you cannot give, and what you need is something that even I can give but you cannot get from me. Star crossed lovers in different galaxies. You need someone to love you and it just cannot be me.

I am curious about your thoughts and feelings, about those things that run through you that you cannot tell any soul. I know you are thinking them now. I also know you will not tell me so I stop waiting for you to.

“Go, I’m tired of standing here.” I finally say.
“Are you sure?” You ask.
“Yes.”

You nod and hug me closely before you walk away and I turn to hail a cab. I feel a pain rush over me and I can’t identify whether it is physical pain or the kind of emotional pain that is so strong that you feel it in the bones. I feel the urge to cry and I just let the tears run down my cheeks, I am a fool. The taxi pulls over and I have no energy to negotiate, I simply slide in and tell the driver my destination. The pain persists and I begin to feel like I have wet myself. I check with my left hand it comes up coated in red. My entire hand is coated in sticky, red, warm blood. I don’t know what you want, but at least I can tick one thing off the list. The baby is gone and I am sure you didn’t want it.