IF I WERE A GIRL

If I Were a Girl

If I were a girl I think I’d be what people would call a slut. This is not a vagina envy or a twisted version of the Chinena complex [no idea what that is but fuck it…], this is just me wondering how things would be if they were different.

If I were a girl I’d be some sorta schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder. One day I’d be the girl next door in a pretty floral dress and pumps with no makeup and a ponytail, the next I’d be in jeans and Supra Skytop Sneaker in Blush Pink with my hair braided in cornrows or black leather pants, black vest showing off my skull and crossbones tattoos, black lipstick, black nails and Clarks Women's Jolissa Gypsum Boots bought off Amazon. My dress code would match my moods and I’d be able to tell what kind of a man you are if you hit on me while I’m dressed as any of my personalities.

If I were a girl I’d strive on intellectual excellence over physical beauty. See as much as guys out there love a face, the men love an intelligent conversation. That’s why most men seem to marry “not so good looking women”. Besides, I should be able to cut out my piece of the pie in this cake of a life.

If I were a girl I’d wear cotton panties, preferably from Cosabella's Free Bamboo collection or Moving Comfort's Workout Bikini. They are breathable, with moisture-wicking capabilities. They also have great style details as well, like the laser cut edges that won't show under clothes. The fabric is stretch nylon, with mesh panels that will feel like built-in air conditioning. Lace is not as sexy as most think.

If I were a girl I’d make the first move on the guy I have a crush on. I would be the ultimate go getter getting every guy my loins wet for. And I would bed them without feeling guilty at all. Why play by society’s rules when I can create my own.

If I were a girl, I’d get drunk and dance on top of cars screaming “suck my dick bitches”.

If I were a girl I would spot out virgins and lure them into my lair. I would have a small black book with dates and names of all the boys I turned into men. I would also buy a small camera and take pictures of all the guys I sleep with.

If I were a girl I would carry with me condoms at all times. We all get horny. What if I meet a boy I like at the club and feel like taking him outside in the car park for a quickie? I’d need rubbers. Preparation is victory.

If I were a girl and had unprotected sex I would buy morning after pills and call the guy a month later and tell him I’m pregnant. I need to see that nigga reaction. Will his balls shrink or will he man up the same way he did when he was fucking me?

If I were a girl I would get into rap battles with the best of them and make sure I destroy em. Aint no shit as a superior gender.

If I were a girl I’d be good in bed. So good that the all forgive me for fucking their best friends or brothers or cousins or uncles. They would all forget that I fuck around and don’t tolerate that boyfriend/girlfriend drivel. I would suck dick so good guys would never want penetration. I’d be a swallower too.

If I were a girl I would give the most explicit lap dance to the most arrogant guys, take them to my room and watch their faces react at seeing me slide a bloodied tampon out my vagina. Ha! Take that bitches!!!!

If I were a girl I would adore my brother. I would be his wingman and make sure he gets his sex game on. I would make sure he shags all my friends.

If I were a girl I would be the best cook in the world. Not for my man but for me and my family and friends. I would know a thousand baking recipes and make sure I sneak in a bud of marijuana or two in the dough. I’d have a small house with a garden at the back tended by me with tomatoes and onions and garlic and coriander and parsley and pepper and potatoes and rape and carrots and cucumbers *wink* and cabbage etc. I’d also have a garden full of all sorts of flowers.

If I were a girl I’d be happy doing things I wanna do not things prescribed by society. I would be a rule breaker and a thrill junkie. I’d play basketball with the boys and volleyball with the girls. Wednesday night with my girlfriends and Friday nights with the boys, rolling in the magic school bus.

If I were a girl I’d insert my fingers into my vagina in the car then have the nearest boy suck them clean. I would have threesomes with girls or guys.

If i were a girl i'd prolly be as funny as Sandi (@SandiChichi) , as infectious and bubbly and full of life as Wanga (@VivWanga), as daring and as smart as Kandi (@MissMukandi), as beautiful as Liseli, as enterprising as Mutale, as laidback and soft spoken as Teckler (@TekHairShop), as deranged and creative as Alice (@AppleChews) ,as crazy as Yolanda (@YoliSpice) , as loyal as Annette, as cool and lovable as Mwape (@ThatGirlSuga) , as caring as Betty (@MissBetty_Booo), as gully as Naledi (@MissChunga), as big assed as Sekete, as briliant as Dambisa Moyo (@DambisaMoyo), as driven as Monica Musonda (@MonicaMusonda), as sultry and sexy as Salma and i would dance as seductively as Bernadette. 

But I’m not a girl…and girls like the one I’d be are rare or nonexistent because most are cowards scared to be judged by the boys and girls they birth.