TWO MEN AND AN EGO

A nice rack and an oral fixation are the ticket to trouble. Lots of trouble in form of boys that just want to sample. Notice I said boys, not men but boys. Boys are drawn to breasts as it is their survival instinct so perhaps that carries on to adulthood and once cleavage is presented any man turns into a boy. I always have male company, always. Do I have a boyfriend? No. But I get asked out and there are many males I entertain and some I even think I like. Then there is the deciding moment; checking the relationship status on Facebook and seeing the dreaded “in a relationship” or just seeing couple pictures on his profile while he adamantly claims singleness. Men make me shake my head in disgust but I can’t help myself they are so exciting.

So there are two guys in my life currently hitting up my phone and making me feel butterflies. The rest are just for keeping my Friday nights busy and my wine glasses full.

The space above is for your judgment, insert it there so that we can move on. Moving on. Now onto those two guys, I like them but they won’t date me and for weeks after my best friend made me realize that truth I was depressed. I whined about it and blogged about it, some pieces which I will not publish because they are too obvious. I cried and complained like an illogical girl then I sucked it up and went on a date. While on my date (which was amazing by the way) I was hit with the epiphany of the decade. I will probably make reference to it until I am well in my thirties. I have a big ego. I go on these dates and entertain males to stroke, rather caress and pamper my ego. It makes me feel great to know that I have choice and I am desirable. It has little to do with the men themselves and everything to do with my ego. What about those two guys that won’t date me you might ask? Well, that’s partly my ego too. My eyes swelled with tears shed for my ego. I was bruised that such amazing, talented, handsome, cultured men don’t want me. Not because they were the ones for me. I realized this because I played a scenario in my head where they wanted to choose me and poured out their hearts to me. In that scenario I was flattered but I wasn’t in love and I didn’t want either of them. I wanted my ego sated.

The thing about an ego trip is that it will have you going unnecessary miles to look ‘cool’ and feel like you’re the best. The ego trip will have you developing an alter ego that is sponsored by lies and other acts of desperation to look perfect in front of people. The result is a big ego, an incredibly awesome alter ego and your real self distorted in a corner somewhere. An ego trip is just acceleration towards destruction. Pride isn’t everything. Confidence and assertion is more important to have. It’s real.

When I meet somebody who I am meant for I will know because my ego won’t even be involved in the situation. I won’t be focused on the wine and location of the date but on them. I will not have to do my head turning smoky eye all the time and pretend I don’t have a fondness for old music and kapenta (if you hate kapenta it is because it hasn’t been given to you right, my kapenta is bomb. And no kapenta is not code for anything).

When I meet somebody for me they will just understand me, even when I don’t understand myself.  I will chose them naturally. I will be relaxed around them regardless of what I’m wearing or the opinions of my surrounding. I won’t be my usual stubborn black woman self, I will be very comfortable being led by them. I won’t mind the silence, sometimes I will long for that part in my day when we are just silent together. I will not feel the need to show my intelligence. I will wear a turtle neck and he will still be drawn to me, I will not need my ticket to dates and glasses of wine.

Until then, it’s more dates and Shiraz.

Kandi Siame. I don’t write for likes I write for perspective, for honesty, for life. I sometimes create the rough edges and embellish them with my words. When I run out of smart things to say (like now) I am simply honest. My blog is an infant, visit it and help raise it.

@Kandis_Notes//kandisnotes.blogspot.com