LOVE BINDS. PART EIGHT: ROSES, RINGS AND REGRETS

I can't pinpoint the day, hour or the minute it happened. Like I said, I was the epitome of an omen. It's like a cloud of bad luck followed me everywhere I went. Whenever something good happened, two bad things would follow. If I didn't know any better I'd have thought I was cursed. I knew people that would have suggested a few pastors to me. Maybe Mwiinga would have scheduled a meeting for me with her God. But no, Mwiinga was too far gone. I don't think she believed in her God anymore. It's such a sorry sight when someone that used to be a 'church person' falls off the wagon. And boy, had Mwiinga fallen. The last I had seen of her she was spreading her warmth on a frail looking Indian man at some club. It was both pitiful and disgusting that she had sunk that low.

But who am I to judge? We all have our lows. And the worst lows are the ones we don't see coming. The ones that come after a high...when you least expect it. In retrospect, there's always a warning sign that the end is near but because we are caught up in a bubble we miss the sign. Or we see it, but choose to ignore it. We chalk it off to cold feet and think it'll pass. Until it doesn't pass and   we're left in the cold. Alone. Wondering how we let it come to this.

I'd spent months with Bison's phone. At first I told myself it was my way of getting closure. I was robbed, my best friend was taken from me prematurely and I had no one to turn to. Sure, Kundabene understood but there were days and nights when even Kundie's laughter couldn't fill the void. I would think of something or say something - a punch line or an inside joke and Kundie wouldn't get it. I shouldn't have held it against her. She wasn't Bison after all, but I did. I resented her for not getting me the way Bison got me. The way I felt I needed to be understood. Try as I could, I couldn't help comparing the two and guess who always fell short?? Yes, Kundie. You can't compete with the dead. The dead are perfect. There are no awkward moments to tarnish a good joke you once shared, no arguments to make you forget how they made you laugh minutes before...the dead had the upper hand, they couldn't screw up. So I kept her phone. I would turn it on and read the conversations like I was preparing for an exam. The Bison Bar Exam. I knew the conversations by heart. I read them in Bison's voice and made up voices for the other people. When she laughed, either with lol or an emoji I would hear her laugh in my head. Eventually even that got old. Time had come for me to move on. Mwila-An's battery drained and I let it die. It was a burial of some sort. I told myself I was on my way to healing. Next on the list was going to her grave. Kundie had offered to take me a few times but I felt it inappropriate. I needed to say goodbye to my best friend - my should've, could've would've. Who takes their girlfriend to visit the grave of the only girl they ever truly loved? It would be disrespectful to Mwila-An. In truth I wanted to go alone because I didn't know how I would react. Kundabene had seen me break down before but that was before she mattered to me. I knew that somewhere in her heart she wanted to believe that I was over Bison. I wanted to believe it too, hence the burial.

I visited the grave on a Sunday. It was mid-day. The sun was unforgivingly hot. It was the type of day we would have spent playing video games and binging on freezits and whatever cold drinks we could find. Bison was down to earth like that. I found the grave easily, Kundie had described it vividly many times before. For about three minutes I just stood there. A cold breeze passed, jolting me back to life. The irony of a cold breeze on a summer day was not lost on me.  I had white roses in my hand, pure just like Mwila-An - the way I chose to remember her. She would have slapped my hand.

'Roses exsay! Dry!' and laughed at me.

I just stood there unable to move, not knowing how to act. My best friend was under there. Under concrete, sand and fine marble. I hadn't seen her for months and I desperately needed to talk but I didn't know what to say. Charlie Puth's song came to mind, "It's been a long day without you my friend..." I didn't realize I was in tears. I knelt on the tombstone and put my hand where I was sure her head lay. There was so much I wanted to say.

I'm sorry Butah.

I should have stayed with you.

I should have told you about the dream so that you don't open the door...

I should never have gone to Kenya...

I couldn't bring myself to say any of it. 'Feels' she would have called them. So I cleared my throat and said the only word I could say, the one thing I'd been longing to say to her.

"Hi." After that words came flowing. I stayed there for about an hour. I apologized for not going to see her sooner. I told her that the crazy bitch that stabbed us was in jail. I told her about work and how I wanted to quit already, I told her that I had started going to the gym. I told her everything, caught her up with everything in my life and promised I'd be back soon. As I walked back to my car I realized I had talked about everything except Kundabene. It hadn't even crossed my mind to bring her up.

I drove to the last destination in my search for closure. In the last couple of months I had come to the conclusion that Kundabene and I had met through Bison for a reason. We were meant to be together. I hadn't tolerated any other girls since I started dating her because I felt like I owed it to Bison to make it work with Kundie. It's like she was Bison's parting gift to me. So it bothered me as I drove to visit Mrs K. that I couldn't find the courage - or the need to bring up Kundabene to Mwila-An.

The drive to Bison's house was still easy. I could drive there with my eyes closed. The closer I got to the house the more my heart filled with a familiar feeling - Anticipation. I would turn the corner and Mwila-An would be there, at the gate, hands on her hips, pretending to be mad at me because I was half a minute late. I turned the corner and slowed down like I was used to doing. I saw the gate open from a distance and I held my breath. Mwila-An!!

My split second hopes and joy were just that. The gate opened and out came Kundabene. My heart stopped. Any doubts I had about her were immediately dispelled. How could I have doubts about this selfless girl?! She was there, visiting Mrs K after all this time. If I knew Kundie, she had probably brought some food with her. I decided in that second that I was going to marry the girl. She turned around and stepped aside as a tall figure came out of the gate holding Mrs K's hand in one hand and an empty casserole dish in the other. He kissed both her cheeks and gave her a hug and Kundabene followed suit. They said their goodbye's and he opened the car door for her. He entered the car and they had a brief conversation, she laughed and he kissed her. Not friend zone or gay best friend kisses; the kiss was passionate - even I could see that. When he turned his attention back to the steering wheel, I clenched my fists. I saw his face clearly for the first time and it dawned on me that I had seen that face before!

Kachiza! Chomba Kachiza!!

My face was hot with anger. Kundabene was cheating on me and I hadn't even seen it coming. I sat in my car for close to thirty minutes thinking about what I had just seen when a thought occurred to me. I picked up my phone and dialled her number. She picked up like clockwork.

"Hello love!"

How could she? She was still with Chomba and taking my calls like it was nothing. I asked her where she was and she told me she was about to enter town. The whole truth and nothing but the truth as lawyer's would say. She was omitting important information but still telling the truth. I couldn't have this conversation on the phone so I asked her to meet me for dinner at my place. She accepted.

In the hours before her arrival I experienced the worst waves of emotions. I was angry, disappointed, shocked, and even happy that I wasn't the one in the wrong for once. She arrived at 7, looking strikingly beautiful. I managed some banter and even a kiss here and there. After dinner she did the dishes and suggested we watch a movie. A few seconds into the opening credits she kissed me and attempted to unbutton my shirt. With the last of my pride and self-control, I took her wrists and pushed her back. She asked what was wrong.

"I saw you earlier with Chomba. Just before I called." I wasn't going to beat about the bush.

She sighed and leaned into the couch.

"We went to visit Mrs. K." That was her response. No apologies. Nothing.

"Mrs. K was in his mouth?"

"What?"

"I saw you kissing him! And after that you come here and act like nothing happened. You're cheating on me!"

That made her sit up. She had shock written all over her face. I knew a denial was coming.

"Cheating on you?! Oh no. Is that what you think this is? Ishmael, we are not in a relationship. I come here, you come to my place, we have sex, we chat but that's all it is! I didn't cheat on you. This isn't a thing!"

Her words stung. I had invested my time and feelings in this for nothing.

"What did you think we were doing this whole time? I gave you my time and... I loved you! I love you." I didn't know the clingy person that was saying all these things.

"Listen, this was good while it lasted. There's no need to complicate things. You love me, I love you, it's good but it can't last.  How long did you think it would be until what brought us together tore us apart?"

"What do you mean?"

"How did you see this ending exactly? We would get married? Have babies? Come on Ishmael! Even a blind person can see that you are still in love with Mwila. I am tired of competing with her memory! You think I didn't notice you checking her phone or her page? I can't measure up to a dead girl. I can't and I won't!"

"And it's different with Chomba?" Her words stung and I wanted to hurt her back. "You think he loves you? Are you so desperate for male attention that you'll throw yourself at all of Mwila-An's leftovers?!"

I expected her to slap me. She didn't. There wasn't the slightest sign of anger on her face. She stood up.

"It's been nice Ishmael. I'm sure you'll find someone soon yadi yadi yada - insert break-up speech here. Don't sell yourself short..." she was wearing her shoes and gathering her things as she spoke. "You’re a good guy. And the sex was good - great even. So...yeah... Take care."

She kissed me on forehead and left. At that moment I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my whole life. The thought of joining Bison crossed my mind and in that second, it was a welcome solution.