DAY 3. SOMETHING NEW.

“Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I do a new thing, Now shall it spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19.

I got home and I cried. I went straight to the closet, closed the door and let the warm, salty tears flow. I had the kind of week that gave birth to questions, questions with unpalatable answers and some with no answers. I feel hopeless and paralysed against all the things that happen in this world. I wanted to ask my mother because mothers seem to know everything but when I thought of all the things she endured I knew she didn’t have the answers.

Why do bad things happen…

Why isn’t the world perfect...

Why don’t things ever really go away..

Ugly scars are a sign that someone survived something terrible and then they healed. The ugliest scars come from the worst situations. Somewhere in between there is a testimony; a survival story of sorts. I have survived my fair share of battles and incidents. I have earned my stripes and I have my battle scars to show for it. Sometimes I feel like I have too much experience with pain and too little experience with joy. If I was in the mood for telling stories I would say I know exactly how I healed. If I was in the mood to tell even greater stories I’d say I am Rambo and I survived because I am strong and skilled. I am not in the mood for story telling today. My tough bone is tired today. I don’t feel like pretending I have the flu when I am caught crying.

 I just want to cry.

I want to cry because the world isn’t perfect. I want to cry because not every brilliant child can go to school. I want to cry because I live in a country where women are raped on Christmas Eve. I want to cry because there are people who try their best but still fail to succeed. I want to cry because not all innocent babies are born in happy homes and not all love guarantees requital. I want to cry because sick people get sicker and then they die.  I want to cry because it’s a messed up world and I am tired. I want to cry because I don’t have answers. It’s frustrating to watch the world burn, to watch as the flames lick everything and leave ashes, scars and hurt behind.

Yes. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But it also leaves scars, confusion, resistance… I am tired of all the scars. I am tired of seeing all the ugly things happen to people. I don’t believe people are born bad. People are just born sensitive to the influence of life. I have built a sheltered world for myself. I already said I am not in the mood to tell stories today, so it is not a story when I say God takes care of me. He goes above, beyond and to every extreme. God watches over and he watches me. He caters to my whims and worries, he understands my quirks and flaws. God corrects me, he guides me and he lectures me. God fixes me, he restores me and he hugs me. He tells me things and we laugh. I live in the type of sheltered life where my brothers fix my laptop charger with masking tape and they cook (actually burn) rice and serve me when I accidentally fall asleep and can’t cook for them. I have come to know love and warmth. Not perfection but love and warmth.

Not everyone can say this and that makes me sad. Some people don’t even have food to eat or anywhere to sleep. I am overwhelmed. Maybe I heard too many sad stories today. I promise I am not under the influence of wine, PMS or Adele. I am just sad.

I think the mood to tell stories has come. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time I didn’t wear a smile so easily. Once upon a time I couldn’t tell jokes, look at myself accurately or know what to do. I just existed. Then I became a little aware and I lived. Now I live. It’s important to live. To look at our lives with excitement and to look forward but most people don’t because they are too busy looking back. Years ago; three to be exact. Three years ago I made up my mind not to look back at what he did, what he said or what didn’t happen, I decided to move on and allow my wounds to become scars. You can’t look at the past and still enjoy the present. The Message bible version of the verse above says be alert, be present! I am about to do something new! You can’t be alert and present when you keep looking back.

Pain is necessary for evolution and adaptation. It tells you what to avoid so that you live. So why do we like to stay in the situations that hurt us? I don’t know. Remember I don’t have any answers today.

I know one thing though. It won’t always be bad.

My latest hobby is translations. I have always liked knowing what names mean, word origins and things of the sort but now my hobby has extended to scripture. It gives things a certain flair. I found the scripture above when I was thirsty for some newness in my life. I wanted to be excited again. The eighteenth verse gave me responsibility; to forget the old. Old things are good. They fit us right, we know how they work and they have no nasty surprises. Old things come with patterns, habits, paths that aren’t always good but they are familiar and so we accept. Old things are good but they aren’t always the best. In a world where adaptation is survival, old can get bad fast. They say the technology that makes touch screens possible was in existence twenty years before it was modelled for public consumers. Apparently producers and market analysts knew that people were used to buttons and they weren’t ready for touch screens. The idea of touch screens would be too new and odd so consumers would reject it and companies would lose their millions; so companies waited for us the consumers to get ready. Flash forward and I can’t live without touch screen technology. Isn’t it possible that our devotion to old things is holding us back?

The New Living Translation says it in an interesting way. “But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do! For I am about to do something new. See I have already begun. Do you not see it?”

Isn’t it possible that the touch screen technology for our lives has already begun and we just can’t see it?

I started writing this with so much heaviness but I feel light now. It’s so nice to know that I don’t have to watch the world burn. God creates ways, solutions and heals people every day. He healed me. The tears have dried on my cheeks and I am ready to smile again. It is when we have no answers, it is when it seems impossible that we see God.

I think I am ready to see a new thing.