I AM AN EXPERT IN YOU

I am an expert in you.

I know each and every brilliant, juvenile, vulnerable, psycho atom that comes together to make you, you. I know every strand on your head, including that one that you relaxed with Revlon until it fell off, the one you dyed red when you finished high school and the ones you left on the barber’s floor when you decided you didn’t want to be ‘Team Long Hair’ anymore.

I know you when you are wide awake, I also know how your eyes droop when you are dozing. I know that you are afraid of sleeping alone sometimes. I know that you still imagine that the inanimate objects come alive when you are sleeping. Yes, I know that you have imagined your freezer as a fat Asian man and no, I do not think you are weird. I know how you pretend to be asleep when you want to avoid some people and some conversations; I know you so well that I am the only one who knows you are faking even when you fake so so well.

I knew you before your emotional intelligence developed. I knew you when you screamed and screamed because you were not fine, you screamed until someone made everything fine. Then your siblings were born and you were taught that screaming was going to wake them up and that was a bad thing. I knew when you started to care about where your feelings inconvenienced others. I knew you when you were a potty trained toddler who would still choose to ‘have an accident’ over using a dirty nursery school toilet. You were anal even before you knew what it means to be anal. I know what you are like when you are fine. I know what you are like when you are happy. I know what you are like when you are ecstatic. I know what you are like when you are pretending to be fine. You smile so hard your cheeks blush but there’s no spark in your eye; that is how I know you are pretending.

I know the music you like, I know the music you love. I know how you close your eyes and imagine you are the lead singer in that choral music you listen to when you bath. I laugh and wonder what it would be like if you could really sing. I know the art you like, you like it because of the themes and a certain hue of purple that you love every time.

I know that you can’t really cook mixed veggies so you order them from the corner store, heat them and serve them with the pride of a chef. I know the range of flavours you like. I know you are not really a sweet tooth. I know you are great with cooking food and making it disappear.

I know how you are with people. You fall in love with everyone hard and fast and believe in them. Even after that con artist scammed you of your grocery money, you still believe people can be good. I was aware when they broke your heart and when you claimed it didn’t hurt but it did. I know every time a friend lets you down. I know when you really wish some moments could last forever.

I know you dye your hair black for that exotic effect. I know how you never leave the house without perfume and how you suck in your stomach every time you see someone attractive. I know the accent you use in public and the one you use when you are at home. I know your real laugh, the one that comes from the bottom of your belly.

I know the voice in your head.

Your fears, your pride, your weaknesses and insecurities? I know them. When it comes to you I have a hard time seeing anything bad, I know you can be good.

If you are looking for intimacy you will find it in me. Nobody matches me when it comes to knowing you. 

Stop searching. Stop looking.

The only expert in you that you need is me.

You are mine.

Lots of Love,

God.