I LOOK FOR YOU IN NEW LOVERS.

I met a guy today. His name is George. I accidentally found you in him. It was his aura. The best word to describe him is pristine; his clothes look like he carefully irons them every day, his nails are clipped and his haircut is fresh. He enunciates his words concisely and there is a sincerity that rests in his eyes. I can see that he learns from hardship daily and it has toughened him but it hasn’t stopped him from feeling. I caught a glimpse of you in him.

There was a guy. One. He found me when I was broken, depressed and lost. He was just a boy and I was just a girl but he taught me things about myself that I have carried into womanhood. The way he accepted who I am made me want to improve myself. His love made me bloom. We talked, we laughed and we grew. He was your shadow. Almost you but not quite. I saw you in him to the point that I started to think that he was you. But it wasn’t time and he wasn’t you. Eventually he drifted, the light shone and the shadow of you dissipated but I haven’t forgotten. Being with your shadow made me more anxious to be with the real you.

I met another guy. This guy reeks of testosterone. He has a square jaw and booming voice, he walks into a room full of women and deliberately deepens his voice further to create a stir. Ladies laugh when he marks innocent conversation with sexual innuendo; they can’t help it, it’s the testosterone. I caught myself blushing at one of his jokes. I caught myself holding eye contact a little too long. I caught myself swaying my hips a little more, licking my lips and flicking my hair. It’s then that I realised I saw you in him. He is very manly and that compels the woman in me to come out. His masculinity causes me to celebrate my femininity. I saw you in him.

The last guy that came closer than arm’s length is the guy I hypnotised myself into seeing you in. I hadn’t seen you in anyone in ages. I was craving the excitement that I feel when I spot you in someone so I made myself see you in him. Even when he didn’t call me I called him. Even when he was an ass to me I made excuses for him. Even when he looked at other girls when he was with me I compensated. I told myself that being bored was part of a real relationship. After all I had never seen my parents have fun with each other. I chose to project you in his intelligence, his work culture, his dedication to tasks. I told myself to be proud of his maturity, goals and priorities even if I was never one.

It was a regular day when all parts of me agreed and said enough is enough. I am tired of looking for you in new lovers. Settling for parts of you has left me dissatisfied and insecure. Every time I give myself to a copy of you it chips away at the parts of me that should be left untainted for you. I am sorry that I haven’t left some parts of me undiscovered. I am also sorry that I have let your copies take and break me. I have decided to be whole. I have decided to live my life without looking everywhere for you. I will admit that it is boring. Finding parts of you in my hapless lovers was exciting. Blushing at parts of you in my crushes gave me something to look forward to but now I have decided to only look forward to you. I have decided to be whole. I have decided to replenish all the parts of me I have poured out for parts of you. I have decided to start working at enriching your life from today. I have decided to wait and close my eyes and my legs until I see all of you.

Why?

  Because I shouldn’t stir up love until it is time. But when it is time I will finally see you fully. I will not be looking for you in others. I will be with you. I will find that love is all consuming, selfless and forgiving. I will see that love isn’t boring; it is an exciting adventure. I will feel just how erotic love is supposed to feel. So today I am shutting my eyes and no longer looking for you in people, places and moments. Today I am happy just finding me.