THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

This is not how people fall in love. They are supposed to have dinner dates, lunch dates, beautiful picnics on green grass and movie dates. The first day I met him it rained. Heavy hectic rain that put mud in my shoes. Our conversations were rushed and impolite. I never noticed him the first time I saw him, he was the annoying I.T guy who stared too much. That was the first day. Conversation was easy. I knew he was a player when he asked me to sit next to me. People weren’t this bold, players were. Players enjoyed female attention from anyone and everyone. The same day I saw him flirt with the receptionist and I knew he was trying to flirt with me. It didn’t matter to him that I was overweight, disorganized and argumentative. He just wanted my attention, I gave it to him and traded it for his. I sat next to him and watched him update my P.C to Windows 10. I thought it wasn’t going anywhere. You see, that’s where love creeps in, in those moments when you think it’s not going anywhere. Whilst I was thinking our association was a dead end I was being myself, I was being free, I was laughing and saying stupid things. I was honest about my views on Christianity, relationships and politics. I also told him I hadn’t gotten laid in a year and he joked about how that could change. One week is all it took for him to change it. Aside from the moral lecture I gave myself afterwards, I didn’t care. Those few sweaty and lusty moments in the bathroom were worth it. Afterwards I brushed him off, after all we were going nowhere. I wore my intellect like a crown and not a thing to hide because it was too intense. I wore blue eyeliner and wore Bantu knots to work, I wore the dress my mother said was too sexy for women my size. In those moments when I was being myself love creeped in.

Love has no direction. So when I said he and I were going nowhere love agreed but still managed to find room for itself. Love has speed but not direction. Two weeks. That is all it took for him to say the three magical words. They weren’t magical, players say the words to everyone. He probably thought he loved every girl he met on his way to work. I brushed him off because this is not how people fall in love, it is irresponsible to fall in love this way.

I knew he was crazy when we had a pregnancy scare. “Keep it, I hope it’s a boy with your mind and my sexiness.” I was disgusted and I told him I wanted to punch him. When the test came up negative I was relieved and sad all at once. Such foolishness. We did it again to celebrate not being pregnant, and once again to celebrate doing it so well the second time. I knew I was crazy when he asked if he should pull out and I said no.

You know what puzzled me? When it stopped being about sex. When we are not having sex anymore then what are we doing exactly? Who are we when we are just hanging out and he is asking me about what I want to do with my future? What is that feeling in my chest when he runs his fingers through my hair and laughs when they get stuck in there?

I don’t like groundnuts, at all. But when I have just one I can’t stop until I finish the pack. He is like groundnuts. I promise I don’t like him. I ignore his calls and I am rude to him. At the same time once I start thinking of him, I can’t stop. This is not how people are supposed to fall in love.

I have met his entire family, his younger sister and I cheated on a test together and it was fun. We watch movies, we read books, and we go to Instagram and Tumblr and see all the ways that love is supposed to look like. It is supposed to have white teeth, vacations and matching outfits. What if it is barely coordinated and dizzying? Because I am the type of person who has to be tricked into a relationship I will admit that maybe I let my guard down this time. Maybe love is supposed to look the way it did when we were kids, when we were fresh and unmarked by expectations. It has been six months and I know we aren’t in love because this is not how people are supposed to fall in love.