THINGS MY CEILING TOLD ME

I leapt onto my bed and let the exhaustion evaporate from my body.  From my neck, shoulders, spine down to my calves and toes. It had been a long day. When I lie down on my back and stare at the ceiling I either fall asleep or I space out, my mind goes places. This time I thought about my day. I thought about the ladies at church who laughed at my decision to wear 6 inch heels on a full day at church. They thought it was me wanting to be ‘located’ by men. I found it laughable; if high heels and red lipstick were the GPS to a good man there would be no women sowing seeds and fasting for one. The men appreciated my effort, who doesn’t like a woman who looks good. The women were right though, heels were a dumb idea. By the end of the day my calves hurt and my toes hated me.

When I lie down on my back I space out, I think of many things. This time I thought about my thoughts. I have looked at my ceiling with great joy after a good day. I have looked at my ceiling while tears flowed backwards into my ears after a bad day. Tears make me feel ashamed, it is weak and shameful for me, I am supposed to be strong. I have looked at my ceiling next to loved ones who have shared my bed and we have laughed and said things that people only say when they are on a bed. These days I look at my ceiling alone, sometimes with my mother when she is in my room. She laughs a lot because I say random things. She laughs a lot because I remind her of my father who also reviewed his day on his back while facing the ceiling. It is almost adequate that people are on their backs when they are dead. Eyes closed because it is the end.

My eyes are open when I face the ceiling. Sometimes I pray in this position. These days I cry when I pray. Not sad tears. Happy tears. I am not ashamed of my happy tears. I cry because I can’t believe that I am whole. There was a time when I thought I would never smile again. I lost my smile and I searched hard only to have it evade me even more. I stopped looking and it came to me, easily. There will be battles but they will never be equal to the war I had to fight with myself.

So many things are out to steal our smiles. Rapists, thieves, missing hair edges (alopecia hurts), even natural things like death, injustice, all forms of lack and misfortune. They make us feel like it is the end but it is just a battle, we get to win the war. I want other people to find their smile too. I wish they could but it can only happen if they wished they could and knew they can. Life is too short to walk around with the festering wounds of life’s battles. At some point you have to cut your losses even if it means cutting off an arm. Then you will have to do the very best of your abilities to live with what remains. But it is possible to find your smile. Where there is life there is hope. At least that is what I believe.