FIFTY SHADES OF WHAT?

I have never written a book or movie review but come on, this was Fifty Shades of Grey. The book promised the kind of spicy, salacious detail that made me cover it while I read it lest somebody calls me a pervert. I read it. I was amused by how much energy the writer invested in telling such a silly tale but guess what, I read Fifty Shades Darker and then I read Fifty Shades Freed. There is something about the books that reminded me of the Mills and Boon books I binged on as an adolescent curious about love and lovemaking. So it felt like a Mills and Boon for people into S and M. The story itself was kind of silly because the world will not have changed if she didn’t write the book, but there was commitment to characters and the story that hadn’t been told before. The sex scenes became repetitive, disputes between the leads ridiculous but I read on. What I found irksome however was how they made BDSM seem like something only the broken went to, as if a healthy functioning human can’t have interest in that kind of sex. They made it seem like a dark disease for people who are not ‘normal’ as if vanilla sex is ‘normal’. Another thing that didn’t quite sit well with me was how the character Anastasia behaved like she was a victim of domestic abuse, anyway that was the story.

The movie came out and there was a buzz, even the pastor at church announced something about watching the movie as sinful. It was unfortunately too late for me. I had already watched it and even committed another sin by lying to my church mates that I hadn’t.

After I watched the movie I had one major question, where was E. L James when they made the movie? Was she so busy spending money and making it rain that she forgot to tell the producers of the movie to give the characters a little more uhm….CHARACTER?????

Because the characters actually sucked at being people everything they did seemed random. So to me it was a little sudden that one strange interview could make a virgin graduate give her well-kept virginity away so easy she accepted the car so fast, she did all things so easily and I didn’t understand why because there was no character building, I didn’t even care for her but I kept watching because you know, we all have a soft spot for hapless virgins. Hose didn’t make an impression, Taylor has more of a role in the book and Kate doesn’t seem like such a whore in the book she seems more free spirited. If my grandmother watched the movie and was asked to narrate it she would simply say it is the story of a girl who finishes school hooks up with a rich man because she likes things and gets shocked that the man in the suit whips her.

Then there is the sex scenes *clears throat*. They were interesting. Soft pornesque and by the end of the movie I had seen her breasts so much that they were no longer exciting. Her exaggerated breathing and swallowing can be noted throughout the movie and I have to give her a gold star for committing to turning red. She could have a career in the other movie industry if she spends her money to fast.

There were some things done right however. Christian Grey’s playroom, a.k.a Red Room of Pain was exquisitely detailed and even better than it was depicted in the book. The contract reading in the boardroom stayed loyal to the book detail by detail down to the zipper on her dress, I liked that. The in the air flying scenes filled me with wanderlust and the dancing scenes stay my favourite when it comes to demonstrating an actual love affair. The ending made me laugh but I stay committed, I am sure there will be another part and we will all once again watch it because we are human and all have a weakness for story.