WRITING...AGAIN (Part 3)

I remember the days I wrote every single day, they are fresh in my mind and they excite me because I can remember what it is like to feel, to feel for real. I can say that I have lost my muse or that I am numb but those would be insufficient explanations for why I cannot write. I asked for advice and they said write about writers block… did somebody just say BORING? I have a tonne of incomplete pieces that made me bored midway through. I consulted Muliya and his explanation was that perhaps I am out of life experiences or I am being inhibited but I must keep writing. Teks said I mustn’t give up and I must keep writing. Namukale who is such a sweetheart just keeps saying you are good! Keep writing! Sounds easy eh? Keep writing. I am not a plant, I am not trapped in one place waiting to be watered. I have many life experiences, now more than ever. The times I wrote the most I had the least social stimuli, I was in a two roomed building in the headquarters of nowhere, my neighbors where trees and the occasional wild cat and I produced some of my best work to date so don’t talk to me about life experiences. Keep writing? Oh? Inhibition? I haven’t felt inhibited by anything in years. I define myself everyday as a woman as human being and as me. Then what the hell is wrong with me??

This year was the first time I ever seriously contemplated giving it all up and becoming just me; not me the writer but just me. The thought was scary but it was safe. I was tired you know. I was bored you know. I was blank you know. I was fed up you know.

Then it hit me.

I went to the hospital and the very zealous doctor measured my height and weight and I have gained weight of course (chocolate cake doesn’t have evaporating calories) and guess what else I gained… height! I have grown some 5 centimeters. Turns out I had a late growth spurt and I might have another until I turn 25 because I am one of those people. So if I can grow physically, is it possible that height isn’t all I have gained? I realised then that maybe I am having trouble bonding with who I am as a writer because who I am has changed. I have grown and the reality is I will keep growing as a person and as a writer. Things that didn’t embarrass me then, make me embarrassed now. Things I found interesting then, don’t interest me now. I have grown so I have grown past some things, accepted some things and I am now into some new things. Upon that realisation I had to cut off the expectations I had of myself and attach some new ones.

But at the core I am still me. I have still have the need to be candid in my art and to express myself as fully as I see fit. This blog may not be every ones cup of tea you know. It is for people who read, think, articulate and like to expand and share their perspective. If I hear another “I read your blog, iwe chimufana sumvela.” I will shoot someone or I will just see it as your declaration that you are a small minded, short sighted, uncultured individual who chooses to see the world only one way. So to you I say pick up a book, stop watching porn and honey booboo and actually get some information into you evidently thick skull.

So yes, I am going to keep writing. I will keep writing even when I don’t feel like. Even when there are no readers. I will keep writing even when people misunderstand and try to confuse me. I will keep writing in what I believe in because before I write for others, I write for myself.

To the readers and lovers of this blog...eish, thanks.