THIRTY ONE

Let me start by apologizing for presenting to you my good friends a piece that might sound like your typical and clichéd “How To” note. We all hate those……don’t we? I will try my best to minimize on the patronizing tone characteristic of the everyday “How To” piece. So I turned 31 on Friday…..and yes I have heard it a million times – I don’t look the part. I must have taken a sip from the fountain of youth at some point. Yeah, so I had one hell of a blast……..goddamn!!! Hehehe……..after all, we only live once they say. I got the goodies…….cake, cards, lunch with the love of my life, calls from friends from everywhere, painted the town red two nights in a roll, got some really nice gifts…….books mostly. The fun aside, the birthday anniversary is a good time as any to engage in some introspection and reflect on how one has lived their life during the past year and a time to look at how one’s life has panned out in comparison to how one pictured it out. So I sat down today Sunday 15^th March 2015 to do some meditation and one thing that kept running through my mind was the issue of cause and effect. The idea that whatever choices I make and subsequent actions I take have consequences that I need to live with – irrespective of whether they are pleasant or otherwise. I had a chat with a great friend of mine about the same issue (over a couple of beers of course) and I got a rather interesting perspective on the matter from him……turns out birthday gifts don’t always come in the shape of goodies wrapped up in pretty boxes. The overriding themes from my discussions with friends and the meditation afterwards were the importance of understanding one’s purpose in life and engaging in healthy self-criticism. I will take care of the first bit in my next piece but today I will tackle the issue of Self-Critique or Lack Thereof AKA Self-Defensiveness and its excesses. So here goes………

From the time of our cave man ancestors, our survival instincts have been honed and sharpened. Our bodily and mental defenses are ever watchful, quick to react to attacks on us, to protect us from all threats real and imagined. Our brain is designed to trigger release of defensive chemicals into our bloodstream, to fire warning connections within our neural system at all times solely concerned with preserving us. But, this instinct of self-preservation has a dark side, growing in our shadows, our proverbial blind spot which trips us time and time again. It hampers our growth, flat lines our learning and sometimes limits our potential. This may sound weird but sometimes we need to welcome in the invaders, drop our defenses and feel the emotional hurt because we will become a better person out of it even if it doesn't feel quite like it in the moment.

What then makes us emotionally defensive? Why do we brush away blame when it should sit squarely on our shoulders? Why do we take things so personally? Why do we ignore feedback which doesn't make us feel good about ourselves? Why can't we truly internalize? Do we fully understand the long term adverse impact of deflection which we have become masters at?

No doubt these questions are packed to the rafter with rhetoric but we need to stare hard at them to pick up the stepping stones of our journey. Self-defense may be ingrained in our genes but there are other contributory factors as well which we should think about. Here is a bunch of things I thought trigger the need to harm our shields “300 Spartans” style……..

The more successful we are, the more we figure that we have cracked the magic formula of never being wrong

Self-belief without humility breeds a certain type of arrogance and this halo of arrogance becomes a powerful defense shield cocooning us often from the real truth.

The more insecure we are, the more defensive we become.

Our mindset, shaped by our experiences cannot tolerate us to be seen in a poor light

The more pressure we are put under, the higher is our defensive barriers.

The more we are out of our depths (but don't acknowledge it); the quicker will be our defensive response

If you are emotionally fragile, whatever be the cause, the greater will be your reaction when you perceive a threat. When you feel vulnerable (and that is a topic for future pondering), everything is seen through a filter of threat to self

Some folks have a persecution complex and they will usually be suspicious of others intentions.

Now the flip side of lowering your defense Barriers can mean a quick self-destruct of confidence, a loss of identity and purpose. So getting the right balance is key. To win this battle against ourselves without losing ourselves in the process will probably require a combination of the following…….

·        Knowing the triggers to your defensiveness – it may be a person or a situation and being aware of this is a necessary first step. Some people and subjects will get yr goat all the time. Like waving the red flag before a bull, you will react in a predictable way. But you need to figure out your version of the red flag and then think about managing your response.

      Defensiveness has physical symptoms – if you can hold a mirror up to you (or get someone to do it for you), you will know what I mean. Blood pressure up, defensive body language, a faster heart rate, a “mean mug” etc are all examples of your warning sirens going off signaling the need to get into defense mode.

     

      Observe your feelings – there are emotional symptoms as well often triggered by people who put you on the defensive. You might have good reasons to feel so based on prior dealings but if you carry this default feeling into your interactions with this set of people, you will always carry this feeling of negativity and frustration into these relationships. Can you think of folks you would rather avoid, folks where you feel a sense of dread, and folks who get you down, who piss you off? By being in permanent defensive state in these relationships, all you achieve is unsolicited misery. Snap out of it already.

Attack is the best form of defense and so says the wise man but when you are on the offensive, your inner self may be on the defensive. When you feel like a marauding Viking with a ‘take-no-prisoner’ attitude, do pause and figure out what button of yours has got pressed to compel you to feel and behave in the way you do.

    Barriers up – when you are raising your moat walls, you get into non-listening mode and while the barrier is up, nothing gets through. You may feel good about putting your shutters down but in the long run, this will be a real barrier to your growth. So when you feel the barrier going up, swallow your pride and insecurity and let the invaders in. For who knows what learning lies in the process?

       Stop taking things too personally – not easy to practice I know and yes there is stuff that you must take personally but too much of it is a recipe of a closed mind……..completely shut to possibilities.

     The famous seventh rule – Do not take yourself too seriously. I am not suggesting that we all default to clown mode but dial down yourself a bit. It's ok to screw up, ok to be wrong, ok to fail –acknowledge it and you would have learnt something. Deny it and you will remain stuck in your rut.

If you can suppress your defensive instincts in situations that warrant so, I guarantee you that would have taken a real step forward in your personal journey. In doing so, you will acknowledge the real you (and not the self-image that you have built up using bricks of unbridled self-bias). Let the reality bite and as long as it does not make mincemeat of you……….that's kosher.  I case you haven’t caught on yet, all of the above is me taking shots at myself. Please don’t have me committed. Hehehe…..!!! Peace…….I’M OUT!!!