ROACHES, RELIGION AND RAPE

I came downstairs and found them everywhere, black and shiny crawling everywhere and on everything. I felt my skin crawl and began to check on what food left in the open had been touched. They had touched it all. Stealthily I threw everything away and scrubbed everything down and made a mental note to get cockroach killer from town. We had a roach infestation. Roaches are shameful.  They make me feel nasty and dirty and they have no sense to reserve my inner space, so disrespectful.  And nobody discusses the rats, roaches and other embarrassing housemates they have. It's all a secret. If someone sees your roaches or they come over and your roach jumps into their space or enters their drink your friendship will probably never be the same.

A friend of mine called me over analytical.  I am, I see everything as a pattern and I believe nothing happens randomly. So when I thought about how roaches make me feel I thought about the last time I had the same feeling.

We were discussing sexual purity and because purity is relative and defined by one's beliefs the topic went directly to beliefs and in Zambia this usually becomes a heated topic on religion or culture or both. Our conversation went to religion and everything went downhill. Opinions and subliminal disses of intellect where flying everywhere and it was like the chicken and the egg debate; going round in circles. Religion is a sure way to disagree with anyone: even people who believe in the same religion part when it comes to doctrine and even those who share doctrine often argue about commitment and hypocrisy. Then there is the subgroup of the religiously ashamed. These are atheist ashamed to admit it in this holy nation or hard core 'sinners' afraid to announce that they want to give God a shot because the Christians will laugh and judge them, a leopard cannot shed its spots can it? There is no winning when it comes to that R word. Nobody is ever right because our belief is based on our knowledge and experience and that in itself is limited by our perception. Believe in something, just don't let it creep into anyone's space.

Race and racial conversations remind me of sex and gender debates which in turn remind me of rape and rape conversation. All the above are not something one chooses but a condition that someone finds themselves in. You are black.  You are female.  You are raped. You don't choose any of the above. The three examples are not mutually inclusive. Just because you are black and female doesn't mean you will be raped, doesn't mean you won't. But if you happen to be all three then you understand why I can relate them to each other. People who aren't black are born entitled and the world reminds them of their entitlement every single time; they are better because they were born better. Black people in most areas have to earn recognition and entitlement and even when they do earn it they have millions reminding them why they don't deserve it; they are not good enough and have to prove that they are because they were born this way. Same goes for women, every day is a battle to earn the same respect that the other sex is simply born with. Rape has so many notions around it. Even when a friend confides that she was raped they confidant has it at the back of their heads that perhaps they asked for it. Rape, when one lets it, has the power to devalue, segregate, cripple and imprison a person. Breaking out of that prison is a daily battle that victims both male and females must win.

Roaches, religion and rape. Such different things but my mind sees one thing in common shame. Shame to claim the roaches and clear them. Shame to take a stand and discover religion for oneself.  Shame to accept reality of rape and redefine the self past it.

Anyway.  What do I know? .I'm just a black person with roaches.