GOOD ENOUGH

“Under your spell again I can’t say no to you. Crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand. I can’t say no to you. Shouldn’t let you torture me so sweetly now I can’t let go of this dream. I can’t breathe, but I can feel. Good enough, I feel good enough for you.”

You know that friend that gives the advice, loves emotive things and heart broken songs? Well I am that friend. I rewind episodes of Girls and Grey’s Anatomy just to savour the moments that barely occur in real life. You know, those moments when the most regular words are put together to convey the most phenomenal meaning. The lines above are from an Evanescence song called ‘good enough’. I haven’t listened to the song in two years. It reminds me of the time I was losing control of my mind and was waving my sanity good bye. I have since put the reins back on my mind. As for my sanity, we resolved our differences and it now knows when to surface, times like church services, classes, meetings and normal conversations at the grocery store are for my sanity.

I have never gotten my heart broken. Okay at least not in the traditional sense. If discovering that my weight going to a triple digit or forgetting chocolate ice cream in the fridge in a hotel room counts as heart break then yes I have. But nobody has promised me the lush rug of commitment, love and companionship only to pull it from underneath my comfortable feet. No. Nobody has done that. Maybe that’s the heart breaking thing here.

Closest I have been is Adele and Sam Smith songs. And also that one guy. But he didn’t break my heart, I broke my own heart. Let me explain.

He met me at a time when I lost myself and that sweet feeling, that hot, dizzying sensation I got from the lust and connection between us was enough to make me feel alive. I called it being in love once in a while. He didn’t give us a label and met me way after sundown. It was enough, his left overs where enough. I am not a weak woman, anyone who knows me can attest to how I always keep calm under pressure, how I handle everything and anything with optimism. And that’s exactly why I surrendered to him. For once I wanted to have my heart out of my chest and in somebody else’s hands. Maybe I found the torture of not knowing whether it was my bed he would sleep in that night pleasurable. I couldn’t say no, I liked it. I had started to feel that happiness wasn’t mine, started to feel that I was hard to love. I was ready to take whatever he was willing to give, whether it was a midnight climax or it was the wretched pain of playing with a toy you can’t keep.

So I got back my sanity and then I began to see myself again. I began to see who I was before all the crazy glue and duct tape I used to fix myself after I was crushed. I saw that I didn’t need to take left overs and that I wasn’t hard to love because I finally began to love myself just fine. So I haven’t done the whole we are in love thing yet, I have idiosyncrasies and you can still see some cracks here and there, but I am not hard to love. I’m good enough for me.